I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
