I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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