Your mouth is God's brothel.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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