Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
