My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
