Non-Jews are for practice
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
