Apparently you make a good broom.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
