So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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