dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
