So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
