Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
