if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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