I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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