New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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