The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
