So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
