I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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