I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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