I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
