I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
