I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
