An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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