You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
