is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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