true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
