WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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