Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
