What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize