Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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