Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We need to rekindle our bromance
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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