New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
