She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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