I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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