I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
