Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
