in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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