my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
