I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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