Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
what is it with giant penises always finding me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
