I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
