Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
