I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize