Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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