I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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