I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
