absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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