Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can text with my tongue
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
