Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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