Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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