i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
