Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
