Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
