I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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