I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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