I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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