I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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