One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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