Your mouth is God's brothel.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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