my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wear drunk well.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
