I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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