.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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