I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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