I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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