So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
