This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
